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jokebook2

Two monkeys in a bath .... one says to the other...
waaa wa w aa waa waaa ooooo owww wa
The other one says: put some cold in then!!

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

They told me i had type A blood, But it was a typeO

How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it

I tried to catch some fog...
i mist

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance.

"My friend keeps telling me I'm in the closet.. I just say it's Narnia business"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.

Last night, me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the telly.

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it! You never know when you might need a nail.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs

Why didn't biggie smalls like to go on holiday?

because he didnt like Tu pac'k

What's blue and not heavy?...
Light blue!

The French have just one egg for breakfast, because that's un œuf.

What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't hear a vitamin.


A donkey went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host donkey asked. "I'm a snail." The donkey replied."What a load of rubbish!" the host donkey spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"
That's not a naked girl, big ears," the donkey replied, "that's Michelle".


I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich."

I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays

news flash: i just bought a corduroy pillow?
I hear it's making headlines

Whats red and yellow and looks good on Hippies?.......
............Fire

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler...

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full

Had a dream I was Chinese. When I woke up, I was disoriented.

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?

He got the sack.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

Did you hear about the bomb in the cheese factory?

De Brie went everywhere

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

Argon walks into a bar. The bar tender says "GET OUTTA HERE! WE DON'T SERVE YOUR KIND!" Argon doesn't react.

whats brown and rhymes with snoop?
dr. dre

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns to the other and says "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there

Two condoms walk past a gaybar, one turns to the other and says, 'do you want to go in and get shit faced'

Went to the doctors and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" He gave me a kite.

Man goes to the doctor for a physical. Doctor says "You've got to stop masturbating so much." Man says "Why?" "Because I'm trying to give you a physical!"

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He tried to work it out with a pencil.

The problem with political jokes is they often get elected.

Two parrots are sitting on a perch.  One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

How do u stop a hippie drowning?..........
..... you cant hes too far out man

How many essex girls does it take to make choclate chip cookies. ...
....5, 1 to mix the dough and 4 to peal the m&m's

I've just written a song about tortillas. Actually, it's more of a rap.

How do Mexicans keep warm? They use chicken for heaters.

Why did the mexican chuck his wife of the roof.....
...tequila

What did the mexican keep under his carpet.?

Underlay underlay

Listened to some vegetarian music today.

It's like nothing I've ever herbivore.

I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again.

A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper
approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
- Bob

Whats the best thing about dating a homeless girl? You can drop her off anywhere

i went to an indian resturant the other day and had a pelican curry. ..............
......................it tasted good but the bill was massive

Where does an astronaught park his car?.....
....in the space man

why could'nt the life gaurd save the hippy..
... coz he was to far out man

Diarrhea is hereditary ...
It runs in your jeans.

Midget Psychic escapes jail. Small medium at large

How many Emos does it take to change a lightbulb? ........
.....NONE they all sit in the dark and cry!!

When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.

What goes through a flys brain as he hits the windsreen?...
...his arse

How do you hide money from a hippy? ...........
............Put it under the soap.






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